The Galleon - Portsmouth's Official Student Newspaper

Yes, this article is primarily written in an attempt to annoy as many people as possible in one glorious attack. However, it is also written to initiate the uninfected into playing this wondrous game, as is the entire point of The Game. Before we begin down this perilous road, however, we must learn the rules.

1. You are always playing The Game
2. Whenever someone thinks about The Game, one loses
3. Losses must be announced to at least one person

Good, that’s settled. But what’s the appeal of this game? What is it that makes it so addictive, so enthralling, so captivating? What is it that makes it fun?

Simple, it’s the primal act of ruining someone’s day. There are two types of players, you see. Well, actually three, but we’ll get to that later.

One plays it properly, avoiding ever thinking of The Game, rewarding themselves with a pat on their back if they manage to refrain from thinking of the dreaded concept. They try and beat their best record: a day, a week, a month, a year. They fight against the ironic process for as long as possible. They, of course, fail.

The second type play as the villain. They deliberately, whenever they can, shout it proudly from rooftops, whisper it into friend’s ears, or carve it into toilet walls. These people are bastards.

But that is what is appealing about The Game. The ability to play as hero, or villain. The conflict, the inevitability of a fight, the addiction. It is perhaps one of the most simple, yet flawless games, with no AI, no storyline, no excruciatingly hard puzzles. Everyone playing The Game is human, and if it were a video game it’d be the most ambitious MMORPG ever devised.

Of course there is a third class of player: the boring, old, killjoy farts, who know about it, but refuse to take part. But they, unavoidably, are playing. They cannot escape from it, even if they declare themselves out, and stop caring, they still eventually lose. They cannot truly leave, they cannot forget, they cannot stop playing. Usually these people end up becoming villains, and design stencils for spraying on billboards, ensuring everyone driving past loses The Game.

The Game is fun, it’s something that everyone can enjoy, and is a lot deeper, complex, and exciting than any other. No other game has so many mechanics, so many tricks from the villains, so many anguished cries of genuine frustration, so many people playing simultaneously, so many countries involved, and so much replay value.

And now, you’re playing too, and you’ve just lost. Sorry.