The Galleon - Portsmouth's Official Student Newspaper

You know the cliche in movie reviews that goes something along the lines of “ in the role he was born to play”? Well, all these guys were born to play the same role again and again and again and again. And once more.

1. Michael Cera

“Innocent looking male in 20s with tender facial features, indie/alternative nature and slightly high-pitched voice seeks movie role playing an innocent looking male in 20s with tender facial features, indie/alternative nature and slightly high-pitched voice. Preferably starring alongside similarly indie female lead. Note; acting angry may prove troublesome.”

2. Danny Dyer

Hey you, Mr Casting Director, do you need a stereotypical ‘Cockney’ to liven up your film and give it that gritty East London edge that nobody really wants nor needs? Jason Statham not available? Here is your man, with a minimal fee to boot. Lovely jubbley, apples and pears, dog and bone and all that.

3. Jim Carrey

Bringing funny faced larks and contorted body poses to the big screen since 1994, through Ace Ventura, Liar Liar, How The Grinch Stole Christmas and Bruce Almighty. If you’re looking for a film where words will be pronounced in a strange and ker-azy manner, here is the man you need. Apart from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Not a comedy as it turns out.

4. Colin Firth

Do you know who loves stereotypical, every-so-slightly posh British men in their films? Yup, Americans. And do you know which nation brings in the most cash at the box office? Ya huh, the United States. So what better way to bring in sacks of cash for your film than casting Mr Darcy himself in Mr Darcy-esque roles to perpetuate the myth that we English fellows are charming and scrummy (we are but you’re letting out the secret!). Similarly, see Hugh Grant.

5. Tom Cruise

Shoot an object, run about in a meandering fashion for a bit, yell into the air to let out all the frustration, shoot a person, cry into your arm, plot your next move in surgical detail, run about some more, yell and shoot at the same time, drive car aggressively whilst shooting at things, don’t shoot a person but cry and yell into the sky, run, shoot and yell at the same time to show some range. End credits. Call it a blockbuster.